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11/12/00 Ayla came out today to paint a mural in my “tubby-room” , her side of the bargain for Frank and Chris getting her car tuned up and through inspection. Chris and Kayla came a bit later and while I was stoking the fire, figured it best to tell Chris while Kayla was outside with Poppop. This was a really hard one , and for me-just setting it on the table seems to work, you can only sugarcoat so much. Besides it keeps me from blabbering and therfore, stronger, to help them through. I told him all the facts as we know them, then explained what I was going to do and why. He understands my reasons and beliefs, but is scared- doesn’t want me to disappear from his life, or Kayla’s. I tried to reassure him I was going to be clean in a year, and he just held me. And after awhile, he held me back, looked into my eyes and asked me if I ever figured out where he got his stubborn streak from. then held me tight again. I glanced over his shoulder and saw my very special young friend,Ayla, standing there with her hand to her mouth,ready to cry. I thought with the music in the tubby and the heater sounds she wouldn’t have heard- but my arms opened wide and she just held me, and I her. With this much love how can anything bad happen? Besides I have a bunch of quilts yet to make.!!! And in runs Kayla excited about the clouds in the sky, so off we go to see. During the afternoon I spent time alternately out in garage with Ayla and Kayla (running in and out betwixt us and her Daddy and Poppop working on the barn), doing ironing and sewing, and in the house on the web searching and searching. It was a good feeling, everyone doing what they wanted, yet checking in with each other to see how they were doing. I hope that’s what other families get to enjoy. Sharing and respect and love. Then later as Ayla has to leave, hug her again and reassure her all will be fine, then get dinner going and feed everyone here. Altogether over these past few days the sites keep giving me no info except to send with $ for more info. After the kids left, Frank and I talked about my frustrations over finding no viable alternative info. Yes, there is alot available through the regular cancer sites, and I am GLAD they are there for folks that are comfortable with that route (or too afraid to go any other). It then came up that PG asked me to keep a diary. “Why not a diary for Everyone?” he asked, "And document what you are doing and link who is helping you and ask for help from others? And maybe we can help Thousands of other people at no cost, as it should be!!! YEAH! and lets.. and..lets... and...” OK Frank, I know you are more than capable in building this, but can it have a rainbow and a cougar? “Of course honey, but we have to think of a name” I thought and it popped into my head- How about Wakanda’s war? “YES, So Be IT!” |